I’m wondering if you have many personal or family rituals? These might be weekly, monthly or annual rituals that you prioritise above everything else.
Some friends of ours have the Friday night pizza + movie night as a family. They don’t do movies or pizza on any other week night, but just Friday. It’s a routine that is fun, but has become almost sacred. The kids look forward to the movie, Mum and Dad enjoy not cooking and an easy clean up, and the whole family bond on the couch. One week the kids choose the movie, the next week Mum and Dad get to choose.
My family has a few weekly rituals as well. Personally, Tuesday and Thursday mornings are an early wake up, surf with a friend and enjoy a fruit salad breakfast. Jools and I have a weekly “date” breakfast as a couple (preferably without kids, but we still go even if the little ones need to come). Church is a strong commitment each Sunday. It shows our kids what we value and the routine is set. Wednesday afternoons I come home early and take the fam to the park. Friday afternoon, you won’t reach me on the phone from 5pm because I enjoy a competitive game of tennis with a close friend.
We also have monthly rituals. One of our monthly rituals is to have a budget catchup. Just an hour or so to sort family bills, see how our savings are going, and make sure we’re on the same page with goals and expenses. It’s not glamorous but keeps us on the same page (and not fighting) with an area that could become divisive. When the kids get older, we want to take them monthly to an elderly Nursing Home and get them serving and loving people who are often forgotten by society. Annually, we book at least a few days away for our wedding anniversary. One year we do that alone without kids; the next we let them join our party. Our 11th anniversary is this month and we will take 5 days on the Central Coast to refresh and connect – no work or computers! We also have annual rituals around Christmas, Easter and some of the other major holidays.
When we create a ritual, we are making an advanced decision to prioritise one thing above everything else.
Rituals tell our kids, “This is important. The people and activities that we value most need to be locked in so nothing interrupts them.”
Why ritual is important
So many of us have good intentions around the important things in life, but often fail to execute because we get overrun with the busyness of life. I talk regularly with people who want to value exercise, family time, leisure and rest but fail to consistently do them for lack of ritual. Our words tell our family that they are our most loved and our most important, but our actions often betray us and leave them with leftovers. How many men have I talked with who love surfing or fishing or running but haven’t done it in 18 months!? And why? We say that it’s because life is too busy, but it’s actually because we haven’t created a ritual.
One of the busiest people I know is a business owner who delivers bread 7-days-a-week in the wee hours of the morning to the shops, cafes and outlets who need to be ready for 6am. After his delivery run, he gets home, says hi to the kids and crashes out. As soon as he wakes, he is taking orders, organising other vans, and sorting paperwork before he heads out on his own. Unfortunately, this took a toll on his marriage and although they work together in the business, she really missed time together and family life. In fact, she felt that unless something changed, they were near the end. He acknowledged that his intentions weren’t flowing down to action, and so they made a decision that they would prioritise a “date” lunch every single week. I’ve written a bit about the weekly “date”, and for this couple, it proved a ritual that changed their married life. The fact that it is a weekly ritual that doesn’t change makes her feel loved and it gives him a priority structure that won’t compromise. He even had a van breakdown and called the driver to say, “I can’t do anything right now because I’m at my most important meeting, but I can help you after 2pm”. As he hung up the phone, he secretly felt like he could enter the running for husband-of-the-year.
How to turn good intentions into ritual
Creating a ritual requires three steps:
- List the things that are most important to you. These might include: time for yourself; time with the kids; one-on-one time with your partner; an important leisure outlet; a hobby you want to pursue; a faith commitment.
- Choose how often and when you need to do them: Not everything needs to be a weekly ritual. But choose in advance how often you need to prioritise the important things and then work out when you’ll do them.
- Block out the diary and do it! This is the hardest step. Why? Because that space in your diary was previously occupied by something else. If you want to play tennis every Monday night, you’ll need to say “no” to whatever you were doing previously. If it’s an exercise routine, you’ll need to get up that little bit earlier or change from something else. (click here for help on how to start a new exercise routine) But if you don’t block it out or if you leave room for something to come up, the urgent other things will creep in and you’re back to square one.
The Easter Opportunity
Easter has been the catalyst for me thinking about ritual. It is a calendar event that encourages us to remember the historical event of Jesus’ death and resurrection. In my family, we make a big deal of it because I want my kids to know that faith is an important part of our lives. We get involved in the Good Friday church service and say family prayers. We thank God for our lives and the immense freedom we have. We reflect and at times, use this as an opportunity to get back on track. For us, it’s like a spiritual stocktake. Perhaps Easter will be a catalyst for you to reflect and think about life and the rituals that you want to create in your life.
Do you have any personal rituals that you defend at all costs? What family rituals could you recommend for others? Share using the buttons below.
