For 10 years, Sue thought her husband didn’t love her.
To be fair, he was not affectionate. He didn’t initiate date night. He used very few words, in fact, he had only told her that he loved her a handful of times. Making matters worse, her own attempts at giving him love with words and softness was not overly appreciated and it just seemed like they had fallen out of love.
Until…
One day, Sue was browsing her sisters library and came across a book by Dr Gary Chapman called The 5 Love Languages. She turned to the back cover and read, “Marriage should be based on love, right? But does it seem as though you and your spouse are speaking two different languages?”
Ah, Yes it does.
She flicked the book open and started reading how each person actually gives and receives love in quite different ways – and unless you realise that there are different ways to show love, you could be missing it altogether!
A huge mistake is to think we’re not in love – when in fact we are just speaking different languages
So our partner might really value gifts and is thoughtful and creative in giving them, while all we long for is physical touch and closeness! Or perhaps we’d really like our partner to serve a little more, to help with the kids or clear up after dinner and he just sits on the couch waiting for a special cuddle – and then wonders why he always misses out! “Does she not love me?”
Recognising the 5 different ways to give and receive love can help us love our partner better and understand their natural way of loving us. Chapman’s 5 love languages are:
- Words of affirmation: For some of us, words are important to us, and a little note or a gentle whisper tops up the love tank
- Acts of service: For these people, actions speak louder than words. They are helpful and take on tasks that hopefully show that they care
- Receiving gifts: For some people, what makes them feel most loved is to receive a gift. A thoughtful, creative gift could be your specialty – and you might notice when others are not so good with this notion!
- Quality time: This language is about giving the other person your undivided attention. It could be that a walk together or dinner without phones is the most connected and loved up you will be.
- Physical touch: To this person, nothing speaks more deeply than appropriate touch and affection
“The one who chooses to love will find appropriate ways to express that decision each day.” G. Chapman
As Sue read on, she had a light bulb moment.
“I realised that every Sunday, my Man actually gets my key from me, takes my car out, fills it with fuel, checks the oil, vacuums the drivers seat and makes sure I’m ready to go. He brings me a cuppa in the morning and will cook dinner whenever I’ve been working. He fixed my broken jewelry box, has my shoes shined, hangs my paintings and actually does the dishes most nights. AND I’VE BEEN ACCUSING HIM OF NOT LOVING ME!!???!!!!! Arrggghhh…. Perhaps he actually does love me and has been expressing it through these constant acts of service?!”
Over the next few weeks, Sue and her husband began to discover that there was actually a richness of love in their relationship, but they were just talking different languages. He came to realise that she is a tragic romantic and longs for a note, a card or a bunch of flowers. She loves soft words and feels loved when he pulls her close and says, “I love you.”
She began to notice and appreciate his acts of service. She even started serving back, cooking his favourite meal more often and being more mindful of what he needs. This insight was a real breakthrough in their marriage and brought about renewed gratitude for each other. It also presented an opportunity for each to grow in expressing love in new ways: he would periodically pick up flowers (she could overlook the $10 supermarket label – it’s the thought that counts!); she would bake his favourite meal; he would attempt a letter; she would dress up a little and surprise him with a night-time proposition. Instead of a marriage that was dull and lifeless, they found their marriage fruitful and lively as they grew in the 5 languages of love.
Which of the 5 languages would be your strongest? How are you different from your partner? What have you done to bridge the gap? Please comment and share so others can be encouraged.
Also: you can follow this link to discover your primary love language http://www.5lovelanguages.com/profile/couples/
