There’s a question we wrestle with as a society, where huge amounts of research, study and lives have been committed to working out, “What is wrong with us?”
It doesn’t matter what defect, deficiency, or quirk you have, it will be in a book somewhere or there will be someone studying a PHD in it, creating names, diagnostics, and categories – whether it be the wonky toe you have, or the crazy red dot on my neck, a strange sleep pattern or the obsession with social media – we have a name for it.
The truth is, most of us can easily identify the things that are wrong with us – our weaknesses, struggles, sins, failings and deficits. We automatically know what we lack, where we are wrong, where others are better than us, what we wish was different. If I asked you to take out a piece of paper and write down your weaknesses, deficits or failings, most of us would easily fill the page – certainly I would! (and if I couldn’t, there would be a few volunteers who could help me with it).
But very little time and energy is spent asking the better question,
What is actually right with me?
What is good with us? Where do I excel? What are my strengths, my strong points, my natural-born gifts? How am I unique? Where am I tailor-made to contribute something positive to the lives and society around me?
We find it difficult to answer the question, “What’s right with me?”
I recently spent some time with a young guy who told me that he didn’t like himself, he wasn’t confident in who he was. He felt like he wasn’t good at anything, wasn’t popular at school, no girls liked him and he had difficulty making friends. Plenty of teenagers have the same story. I knew that it couldn’t be all bad for this young guy, so I grabbed a sheet of paper and drew up two columns, Strengths and Weaknesses.
This young guy was able to rattle off his weaknesses without any problem, but when I pressed him on the strengths side, nope. He couldn’t name one. The fog of weakness or deficit was so thick that he couldn’t name one positive trait, one strength, one thing going for him. It was at this point that he told me that sometimes, he thinks about ending his life.
There’s a great TRAGEDY in all of this that goes beyond one teenager’s battle for identity and self-worth. The tragedy is that even as adults, we are so often focused on what’s wrong with us (or our kids, our boss, our partner) that most struggle to name and celebrate what is right with us.
If you want to work out what’s right with you, there are 3 things you can:
1. FIND YOUR STRENGTHS – That young guy who couldn’t think of one strength..? It turns out that he has some amazing qualities! I asked him, “What would mum say your strengths are?”
“Well she tells me I’m a good saver.” Oh? I assumed that at 16 yrs old he might have saved a few hundred of his Maccas money… So how much have you saved? “I’m up to $8500.”
WHOA!! Are you serious!!? That’s amazing! What a strength to have!!
“And I guess I’m good at strategy. On my gaming team, I’m always the one to work out the strategy for how we’ll win. And on school group assignments, I tend to organise the group, assign roles, make sure things are tracking along and get the task done on time.”
Sometimes, we have to be deliberate in finding our strengths. Pull out a sheet of paper and write them down. Ask others around you. You could even do something more formal like the STRENGTHS-FINDER ASSESSMENT from the Gallup Institute. Recently, I became a strengths-coach to help individuals and business teams formally identify their strengths. It is one of the most rewarding things I do as people figure out their natural drivers and areas they are gifted in (If you or your team want to take the assessment with me, just pop a request on the website here).
2. STOP COMPARING – My wife recently brought home a little framed picture for Tommy’s room. It is scripted with the words,
“Be yourself. Everyone else is already taken.”
If our boys grow up happy with themselves and who they are, then I think we would have done a good job. The problem we all face is the comparison trap – that we want to look like that person, have this guys skill, earn their income, be more like them. Everytime you compare with someone else, you steal a bit of your own uniqueness and beauty. Stop comparing and you’ll be more aware of what is right with you.
3. BE GRATEFUL FOR THE GOOD IN YOU – The things that are good, right, beautiful, strong and gifted in you were never meant to give you a big head. Instead, they present an opportunity to be grateful for who you’ve been made to be! You are unique and different from any other person on the planet – and that’s something to celebrate and be grateful for!
When I took the Strengths-Finder Assessment myself, it confirmed that I’m an Activator and a bit of a Pioneer. When I get dreams and ideas, I like to get stuck into it and make them happen! I have a lot of start up energy and am great at making projects happen. I instinctively believe that “we can do it!” no matter what the task is. That’s how I managed (with help) to build our own house – literally. I didn’t stop to ponder that I’m not a tradie or that I don’t really know what I’m doing. We had a bit of a vision and just went for it and ended up with a great home for our little family! But it would be foolish for me to brag or claim it as me being awesome. Personally, I turn that into a moment of thanks – we are all made different and unique, and He made me with a bit of drive and ambition. I’m all too aware of my weaknesses also, so I’ll just celebrate the good in me, and stay grateful for anything that is right with me.
This is a snippet of a talk I shared at Thrive Community on 7th June, 2015. To hear it, simply find it in the media section of www.thrivecommunity.com . I’d love to hear your thoughts on what is right with you!
